Why Taking Time For Yourself is SO Important

I wrote this for every single mama in the thick of motherhood in mind. But even if you’re not a parent, this is relevant to whatever tough thing you are walking through. Read on to see how I learned this lesson over the weekend.

I put my head in my hands and stared at the floor trying to just breathe and clear my mind. “I need a few minutes to myself,” I said slowly after my husband asked me if I was okay.

A couple of tears leaked out of my eyes because somehow I felt like I was failing for admitting I needed a break, but also simultaneously really proud of myself for admitting that I needed a break.

Of course, I had already known this for about a week. My body knew it first. I wasn’t sleeping very well, I was reaching for lots of sugary and salty snacks instead of whole foods (I’m an emotional eater), and my eye was occasionally twitching. I blamed it on the lack of sleep, but I knew the real reason.

I was also really scatterbrained and having a hard time staying focused on any one task.

I needed a break.

The entire week was what I can only describe as emotional terrorism. We have been navigating tantrums and whining with our almost-4-year-old and it has been so taxing…on all of us. I’m with her the most, being a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom), and therefore on the receiving end most often.

She is learning her boundaries and testing whether or not the whining and tantrums get her what she wants…sometimes loudly. As parents, we are learning to hold boundaries while being fair and simultaneously teaching her how to handle these big emotions. And my husband and I are learning together how to be an even stronger parenting team, as united as possible.

Because this s*it is hard.

If I thought I felt unprepared to bring a human into this world, it’s nothing compared to what I don’t know now about parenting. Keeping a baby alive is honestly the easiest part of this entire parenting phase. Sleep, feed, change diapers, play occasionally, snuggle, repeat.

Fast forward 3-4 years and suddenly you’re faced with a miniature version of yourself yelling at you for turning the light on because she wanted to do it and expected you to just know that, and wondering how she figured out that if one parent says “no” she should go ask the other one to see if she gets a different answer.

After about the fourth tantrum on Thursday, I realized that I was starting to feel like I was in the movie Groundhog Day. Not only was I exhausted of these repetitive fits that were basically the same every single day, I couldn’t figure out a way to get them to stop. Even trying to handle each one differently than the last did nothing to help either of us.

I was also just exhausted of feeling like I wasn’t parenting “right.”

If this keeps happening, I must be doing something wrong…right? If I just try harder and do “better,” the problem will fix itself…right? Wrong. So very wrong.

After about a day of trying to do “better,” I realized that even if the problem was in fact me and my parenting, doing “better” wasn’t resolving anything. Let me just say, it is wildly toxic to put that kind of pressure on yourself as a mother because anytime you make a misstep, you end up feeling like a failure.

I also want to point out that “better” is such a vague description because there are no defined terms. Better than what? Yesterday? Better than another mom you know? Better than your mom? My brain didn’t even know what I meant by trying to do “better.”

What I really meant by doing “better” was to channel the Dalai Lama, or a group of monks somewhere, and become so patient with my toddler, who is already distraught, that she doesn’t see my visible irritation when she throws her 32nd fit of the day and it makes her feel like she did something wrong.

Is it exhausting? Yes. But she’s a small human trying to figure out how to manage all of these big emotions that she’s developing. It’s not her fault. Just like I’m not a bad mom because my kid throws tantrums.

There are moms everywhere handling this exact same thing. And if you don’t believe me, you need to talk to some mamas who have kids older than yours. They’ll tell you they went through it too. Ask a few of them, not just one. And if you ask another mom and they say, “yeah, Jayden didn’t really go through that…”

She’s probably lying. Or, she doesn’t remember because she was so deep in the trenches of motherhood that she blocked it out of her memory as a form of self care and to protect herself from developing PTSD.

The answer is not that I have to fix myself or my toddler. There is nothing wrong with either of us. We’re human and we’re both acting like it.

I have read the parenting books about toddlers, I have talked to many other mamas, friends AND strangers, and not one of them has told me that I’m a bad mom or that there’s something wrong with me or my kid.

Every single one of them though, has told me that they went through the same thing, are going through the same thing, or know someone who has also gone through the same exact thing. When I share how stressful this is for me lately, it’s met with empathy, compassion, and sharing. Lots of stories staring with “what helped me was…” and encouragement telling me know that it is just a phase and it will pass.

Kids, especially toddlers, throw fits. In fact, so do some adults. We’ve all met or seen someone at a store or restaurant that just has to complain about a minor inconvenience that is likely not a problem for anyone but them. This is very much the same as a toddler throwing a fit, when you think about it.

Ruling out trying to be “better” is like breathing a huge sigh of relief. The amount of pressure we put on ourselves can get the best of us and make us a little crazy from time to time.

Apparently this is my time to feel crazy. And rather than lean into this feeling, I’m actually going to lean out.

As I dried my tears and started heading upstairs for a few minutes, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to breathe some fresh air. I get this urge when I’m feeling overwhelmed, like I can’t take in enough air and being inside feels too stifling. Instead of laying down for a couple of minutes to close my eyes and rest, I felt pulled to grab some socks and shoes and go for a walk.

It was a rare day that the sun was shining and making things feel warmer instead of colder on a winter February day in Minnesota. It occurred to me just how much time I had been spending indoors lately.

We have had a really cold winter, subzero temps, and frigid wind that makes the days feel in the negatives even if the sun is shining. It’s a brutal time of year in the Midwest.

As I made my way back downstairs, I let my husband know I was going for a walk and I’d be back in about 20-30 minutes. He nodded and gave me a quick kiss before saying he’d keep the kiddo occupied so she didn’t notice I was gone.

I quietly made my exit out the front door and took a huge breath in as I let the sunshine hit my face…and I started walking. At some point I turned on a podcast and listened while I walked and looked around the neighborhood, just enjoying the sunshine and doing my best to ignore the cold, occasional breeze that was stinging my cheeks and making my nose run.

On my way back to the house, I realized how much life was being put back into my spirit just by getting some fresh air and time to myself.

It sounds almost too simple to be a solution to this daily chaos lately, but here’s what I can tell you about taking 25 minutes to myself:

I slept better than I had in two weeks that night.
Adding in some movement boosted my endorphins (“happy hormones”) and made me feel great. Happy, even. Like I was living again and not just going through the motions of life.
Being a mama is not my only identity. Having uninterrupted time to myself to remember what my interests are (not Peppa Pig, Paw Patrol, playing princess dress-up, or Go Fish) was really energizing and a terrific reminder that I am my own self.
Always be sure and use the bathroom before you leave the house.

I’m kidding about that last one, but also…pee before you leave.

I came back to my house feeling like a whole new woman. I felt reinvigorated to take on the rest of the day, recharged, and more confident about navigating any fits that came up before bedtime, and at peace with myself for doing the best I could.

Maybe you don’t go outside every single day. For example, today’s high is -2. With sun. I don’t really want to go for a walk outside today, ya know?

But I can certainly excuse myself for 25 minutes before I start dinner and read a novel. If that doesn’t work out, I can take an Epsom salt bath before I go to bed tonight where I relax in warm bath water and let the salts work out the tension (Epsom salt is FANTASTIC for sore muscles, but also a detox that draws out impurities from your skin and body. I like to think it detoxes my mind too).

Maybe I wake up 25 minutes early and enjoy an actual hot cup of coffee instead of turning it into an iced coffee because I know I’ll never drink it hot once my toddler is up for the day.

There is something I can do every single day that can bring me joy and energy for a mere 25 minutes. There’s something you can do every single day that can bring you joy and energy for 25 minutes too.

I’ll leave you with this. I heard it on the podcast I listened to while I was on my life-giving walk.

Whether you’re a God person or not, most people have heard this very well-known scripture from Psalm 24:4 that goes, “yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.”

Many of us forget a crucial word in this verse. The verse says “through the valley.” Not “here we sit in the valley.” Not “stuck in the valley.” Not “trapped in the valley.” It is THROUGH the valley. We walk THROUGH the valley. We are not meant to STAY in the VALLEY.

A valley is literally a low area of land between large hills or mountains. Girl, you gotta keep going so you can CLIMB that freaking mountain and see that beautiful view. The valley isn’t the place to stay. It’s the mountaintop. That’s where we are heading.

And if you can take 25 minutes a day to yourself, you’ll be out of the valley sooner than you think because you are breathing life and energy back into yourself so you have the strength and clarity to climb that mountain.

I hope sharing this very real story with you from my own life has made you feel a little less crazy about your own. Or, if you are walking in a similar season, that you really consider taking 25 minutes a day to yourself to remind yourself you aren’t actually crazy. You’re tired.

We’re all just out here doing our best, mamas. You are a great mom. Maybe you just forgot, like I did, because you are too caught up pouring into everyone and everything else around you. It’s okay. But it’s time to finish walking through that valley and start your climb up the mountain.

As I finish typing this, my toddler is sitting right next to me as close as possible without actually being in my lap and I am counting down the minutes until my husband gets home so I can have my 25 minutes. I hope you get yours today too.